The Values You Never Actually Chose — How to Find the Ones That Are Really Yours (and Not the Vision-Board Ones)

Identifying your core values at midlife is one of the first steps toward creating a life that is YOURS -- not someone else's. Stop chasing goals that don't fit your life!

In this episode, I get honest about something a little embarrassing: for most of my life I could tell you exactly what everyone around me valued — my kids, my husband, my closest friends — and then go completely blank on my own. So today I’m walking you through the exact practice I used to find my real core values. Not the aspirational, vision-board, sounds-good-on-a-job-application ones. The ones that, when you violate them, make you feel like a stranger in your own skin — and when you honor them, make you feel like you.

I share the night I read my finished list from top to bottom, got chills, and cried — not because I’d accomplished something, but because I felt seen by myself for maybe the first time ever. I talk about why two people can write the exact same word and still hold completely different values (your fingerprint lives in the story behind the word, not the word). And I give you the practice, step by step, so you can start today.

In this episode:

•             Why most of us think we know our values — and don’t — and what that gap quietly costs us

•             The difference between a value you inherited and a value that’s actually yours

•             How living by values you never chose has a name: Good Girl Ghosting

•             The novelist’s secret I used on my own values (the blinking cursor that’s never perfectionism — it’s listening)

•             The two-step practice: name three, then write the paragraph that gives you goosebumps

•             How every named value gives you a cleaner answer to the only question that matters in the moment

A few lines worth remembering:

•             “You can’t live what you haven’t named.”

•             “Two people can share a value. Only you carry your version of it.”

•             “Your values aren’t rules. They’re a description of who you already are when fear isn’t making the decisions.”

•             “Do I respect myself here, or do I betray myself here?”

Next steps:

•             Naming your values alone is powerful. Naming them in a room full of women deciding the same brave thing is a whole different kind of alive — that’s the Good Girl Ghosting Reset, and I’m opening it to a small founding group of Founding Sisters. Find me on Instagram @RachelHarrisOnline and DM me the word RESET for the details.

•             Want a gentle place to start? DM me MY STORY, or grab the free guide, 5 Moments You’re Abandoning Yourself (Without Even Realizing It) — link in the show notes.

#GoodGirlGhosting #JoyfulRebel #midlifewomen #corevalues #midlifeidentity #selfdiscovery #christianwomen

Resources:

- Free Play: REBEL JOY Card Deck — Romanticize your life and reclaim your light — one tiny rebellion at a time. Seven print-and-keep cards, each with one brave, joyful prompt. Pick a card, set a 60-second timer, and play. Start Playing Again! https://rachel-harris-online.kit.com/72c327f4a4 

- For the exact scripts for the next time you go blank or catch yourself saying an automatic yes, grab the Rebel Response Mini Kit here: https://rachelharrisonline.com/product-details/product/the-rebel-response-mini-kit

- FREE: Are YOU a Good Girl Ghost? Free Guide: 5 Moments You're Abandoning Yourself (Without Even Realizing It) https://rachel-harris-online.kit.com/e6b737ec08

- Work with me on the Good Girl Ghost Reset — a single Rebel Hour, or the full Reset Mentorship: https://rachelharrisonline.com/work-with-me

My Substack Page, Goodbye, Good Girl: https://joyfulrebel.substack.com/

Are YOU A Joyful Rebel? https://rachelharrisonline.com/joyful-rebel

Transcript

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If you can pinpoint everyone else's values, your kids, your husbands, your besties, but then go a little bit blank on your own, this one's for you. Today's about the practice that finally made me feel seen by myself. Here's a question I want you to get curious about today before we jump in. Do you know your core values? No, not the aspirational ones, the ones that really sound good and you think you should have, and not the ones that you'd write on a vision board or claim for the year is your word because they sound good. I'm talking about the ones that when you violate them, make you feel off, and the ones that when you honor them make you feel like yourself. Most people think that they know their values and they don't. That gap between the values that we've inherited, the ones that we think we should have, and the values that are actually ours costs us more than almost anything else. I know that because I lived it. And today I want to walk you through the same exact process that I took to discover what my values are. If you've been with me since the role models episode, you know we've talked about how the people you admire most aren't calling you upward. They're actually calling you home. And one of the things I noticed as I studied my role models, as I went through their quotes and looked for the themes between them, was that certain words kept showing up. Curiosity, joy, wonder, courage, authenticity, over and over. At the time I thought, man, I've got really good taste in people. But now I understand what was actually happening there. I wasn't just recognizing their values. I was recognizing my own. That role models exercise was the very first breadcrumb in the path that I created for myself. Core values work is where you follow those breadcrumbs all the way home. So that's join nugget number one. I wasn't recognizing their values. I was recognizing my own. Here's what I want to clear up right away. Core values aren't a list of words that you hang on your wall and that look good. They're not an aspirational wish list. They're not what you go and put on a job application. Core values are the things that, when violated, make you feel like a stranger in your own life and your own skin. This is the alignment drop in slow motion. Every value you name gives you a cleaner way to answer the only question that matters in the moment. Do I respect myself here or do I betray myself here? Your core values are the through lines that you can trace back through your whole story. The things that you've always cared about, even when you couldn't name them. Even when the world taught you to be embarrassed by them, even when you didn't believe that you really had them. You can't live what you haven't named. And most of us spend decades living in reaction to the world because we never stop to identify what we're actually living for. Living by values you never actually chose has a name. It's good girl ghosting. The slow, quiet self-betrayal of honoring everyone else's values but your own until you just can't even feel where you end and the room begins. That's what this practice is about. And that's joy nugget number two. You can't live what you haven't named. When I first started this practice, I made a list: family first, insatiable curiosity, childlike sacred joy, living now through adventure, whimsical wonder, rebellious resiliency, confident authenticity, creative self-expression, loving acceptance, and meaningful purpose with kingdom impact. Those were the values I named for myself. And then I did something that changed everything. I wrote a paragraph about each one. Not a definition, not a great quote from Google about it. A paragraph in my own words about why that value was mine, what it had meant in my life, what it cost me when I ignored it, and what it felt like when I honored it. And I want to be honest about what that process was like. It wasn't quick. I wrote something, I let it land, sit for a day or so, something would feel off, I'd go back, an aspect was missing. I'd go and add it. A word wasn't quite right, I'd find the right one. That's not perfectionism. It was listening. My brain knew when the words weren't true yet. Close, but not quite there. It wouldn't let me move forward though, until they were. I actually do this in my writing all the time. Whenever I'm drafting my books, if I get stuck mid-chapter and I just can't seem to move forward, if that blinking cursor just keeps taunting me, it's almost always because something in the scene that I just wrote is off. I went serious when I could have gone playful, or I took the wrong angle entirely. One day maybe I'll share the crazy process I go through in writing my books. But I do write everything out and I know exactly what's going to be happening in a scene. But there are so many ways to get to that ending line that would go to the next chapter. And whenever I got stuck, it's because the path that I took was just slightly off the one that my inner knowing knew I should have taken. Going back, finding that spot, that moment, that ick, that weirdness, and rewriting it always cleared the path and I can move forward. My brain always knew before I did. So I did the same thing here with my values. I went back, I find the thing, and I fix it. And then suddenly I can breathe again. The value statements were just like my books. And when I finally got each one right, when I read the whole list from top to bottom, I got chills, y'all. And then I cried. I'm a bit of a crier. But not because I accomplished something, because I felt seen by myself for maybe the first time ever. Joy Nugget number three, it wasn't perfectionism. It was listening to me. Discovering how to listen to ourselves is a core rebel move. Now here's the thing about a list of values. 50 people could have the exact same list: family, curiosity, joy, authenticity, courage. And every single one of those words lives differently in every single person who claims them. What makes your values yours isn't the word. It's the story behind the word. The specific way that that value has shaped your life, the particular costs you've paid when you've ignored it. The exact version of that value that only exists in you. That's your fingerprint. Two people can both value curiosity. But one of them means, I want to understand how people work. The other one could mean, I believe wonder is how God designed me to stay alive. Those aren't the same value. They just share a word. And the statement is where the goosebumps live. Joy nugget number four, two people can share a value. Only you carry your version of it. Y'all, that's a good one. I like that line. So I'm gonna say it one more time. Two people can share a value. Only you carry your version of it. One more thing I want to name before we get to your practice for today. This exercise isn't just personal. After I built my personal core values, I went back and I built a second set for my coaching. What do I believe in my work? What do I stand on when I'm in the room with someone else? What's the conviction underneath everything that I teach? Things like in my work, I believe curiosity is the difference between presence and distraction. When we let the need for control soften and allow wonder to rise, real transformation can begin. In my work, I believe we're not just the main character in our stories. We are the co-authors. And restoring that agency awakens possibility, hope, and embodied confidence. These and five others became the foundation of how I show up in every session, every episode, every book, every piece of content I put on social media. They're shaped by my values. You can do this for any domain of your life: your work, your marriage, your family, your faith. The question's always the same. What do I believe here? What am I actually standing on? Joy nugget number five. Core values aren't just for you. They can be for any part of your life. Okay, here's your practice. Step one, make the list. Don't overthink it yet. Pinky toe it. Three values to start, not ten, unless you're an overachiever like me. And then I do 10 anyway. Just write down the things that, when you violate them, make you feel like a stranger in your own skin. Then go back to your role models if you need a starting point. Look at the words that kept appearing across their quotes. Those aren't coincidences. Step two, and this is the one that matters. Write a paragraph about each one. Not a definition, not what someone else would say about it. Why is this value yours? Where has it shown up in your story? What has it cost you to ignore it? What does it feel like when you actually live it? Here's a sentence stem if you want the exact words. This value's mine because blank ignoring it costs me, blank. Living it feels like blank. Write it, then let it land. If something feels off, go back. Trust that your body knows. Keep going until you can read the whole thing and then feel it. Not, ooh, that's a good list. Go me. But those goosebumps. That moment where you feel seen by you, that's when it's done. Joy nugget number six. Keep going until you can read the whole thing and feel it. That's when you're done. Okay, so values aren't rules. They're not a list of things that you have to be. They're a description of who you already are when fear isn't making the decisions. And once you've named those core values, like really name them in your words, in your voice, in your story, you have something that you can then return to every time life gets loud, every time someone tries to tell you who you should be, every time they make you doubt who you are. Every time you feel yourself starting to drift, you come back here to those values that you wrote personally for your story. In a future rebel practice session, we'll talk about the should list audit, naming every obligation that you're carrying that you've never consciously chose. But values tell you what's yours. The should list shows you what isn't. And listen, naming your values alone is powerful. Naming them in a room full of women deciding the same brave thing is a whole different kind of alive. That's exactly what we're building in the good girl ghosting reset. And I'm opening it up for a limited time to a small founding group, my founding sisters. Find me on Instagram at Rachel HarrisOnline and DM me the word reset for all the details. Or head to my website in the show notes, where you can also find a link to the free guide Five Moments You're Abandoning Yourself without even realizing it. A gift from me to you. Until next time, go find your goosebumps. That's one breath truer toward the woman that you already are. I'll meet you back here.